I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
