my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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