No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
