btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I came so hard my ears popped.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
