Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
