dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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