if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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