Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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