After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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