i think my tv is drunk
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
