My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
