Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
