i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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