if only i could text you this smell
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
