Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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