Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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