Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
