Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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