Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
