A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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