Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
