By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
