he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
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I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
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I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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