Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
should my penis look like a turkey
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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