Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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