She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
