i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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