I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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