you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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