Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
