I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
