Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
