i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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