Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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