Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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