At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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