We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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