Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm at about main and main street
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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