I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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