Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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