wat bout pragnant strippers??
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
