Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
