But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
