Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I intend to get homeless drunk
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
did i just pee glitter
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
