I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
