feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
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we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
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I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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