you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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