your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize