I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
