Your face is a jimmy john
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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