We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
