Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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