Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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