I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
