Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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