if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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