How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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