On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just gift wrapped bread.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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