So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
