I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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